Sunday, January 27, 2008

The Other Boy: Post # 1


I saw sand, lots of sand. beyond that was a wild jungle. The forest was very decorous in a natural way. I could tell from first glance that this was Freeman's land. No rules, no punishments, but best of all... no parents. I danced around for a bit in celebration. this time it was my turn to make the rules. The only problem was I was all alone. I quivered at the thought. I also heard my finger crack when the plane crashed. I was in charge and alone. I looked out into the horizon hoping that I could see some sort of shores. None, none at all. I began to weep. How was I to ever survive? Then I heard a sound off from a distant place. It was a strident noise. It sounded like the deep roar of a lion, or the the loud sound of a tuba. It was unfamiliar sound, but almost conferting. I wasn't alone. My face became pallor. Maybe a small town saw us crash and is now informing a police. Or maybe the polite is alright and he is calling us so we can return home. I run to the deep sound, leaving my fears behind. My head spins from lack of food and water. I keep running and soon begin to see the small specks of humans about a hundred feet in front of me. I run harder feeling the sand fly into the air with every time my foot makes contact with the sand. I begin to see there faces and see that there was no polite or even a small village. Just another fifty stranded kids. One was blowing a shell, horn thing. Another was looking at me happily. They happy one was fat, and wore glasses that looked as tight as his uniform. He held out his hand, I was panting but stuck mine out too. His grasp slipped on my sweaty palm. Behind the rest of the kids was a lagoon.


He asked, "Whats your name?"


I respond, "Jimmy, and yours?"


"I'm..." But the the horn gives another one last sharp blow. I sit down next to the rest of the boys in the back. He vainly looked at the shell. I clamored to get to a good spot.


The fat boy reported to the one with the shell. The one with the shell speaks to him,


"I think that's all of them..."


Just then another couple boys come out wearing what seems to be there own uniforms, the leader of the group speaks to the shell boy. I can't hear what they are saying but every few works the group leader frowns. Just then a boy in the front who could obviously her ever word they are saying yells to us in the back. The fat boy looked at the leader in indignation.


"LETS HAVE A VOTE!"


"A vote for what?" I holler to the front. Then a jumble of noise arouse.


"For our leader!" one yells.


I slump back, I dont need another person to be in charge. Now my only source of happiness was gone. The ones in the front didn't look like they were about to interpose. This sucks.


The leader of the uniformed group talks to the crowd, I still can't hear. Only his group raise there hands. Then the other shell boy talks and almost all the group cheers and votes for him, I raise my hand too, not to be left out. Then the shelled one smiles. Unless I am very much mistaken the shelled one is now our leader. He now speaks loud enough for us all to hear. Everyone looks at him like they want to devour every word he says. I speculated him in int rest.


"I'm going to explore..." The rest is drowned by a mumbling form the crowd, I slump back into a palm tree, this could be like a vacation, one really freakishly long vacation. I grated my hand on a near by palm in frustration...
(A RANDOM KIDS POINT OF VIEW)


3 comments:

NicPic said...

Leyla,

I really enjoyed your conversatoins that you included in your blog.

I also like how you mentioned, "I'm..." But the the horn gives another one last sharp blow.

i though that this was very descriptive, "sharp" is very clear how it would sound. It makes is very interesting!

your class-mate,
Nikki

kkaufman said...

I really liked you dialogue. I also like how your character begins by feeling excited and then starts to cry. This change in his feelings is very realistic. also I like how your character feels disappointed when he is not chosen as the leader.
Kira

William said...

Leyla, I felt you did a very great job developing a plot and making the story interesting. The passage you wrote was of excessive length, and your effort was notable. Although, I found several things that can easily be improved upon:

""A vote for what?" I holler to the front"

""For our leader!" one yells"

"I slump back"

As I read your story, I wasn't sure whether you were speaking in the past or present tense. I think if you're writing a journal of what happened, you should use past tense verbs such as hollered, yelled, and slumped, instead of the ones in the examples above.

"I grated my hand on a near by palm in frustration"

I read this and I thought it was really creative and a really great way to end what you wrote. I really wanted to include that quote in this comment because it really stood out to me.

So remember, watch out for past and present tenses when you write. Choose one, and stick with it.

I hope that my post was helpful!